Jon Stewart of TheDailyShow takes on the future of the Republican Party
JON STEWART, THE DAILY SHOW: With Democrats in the White House and a new, filibuster-proof majority in the Senate, it’s easy to forget that there used to be something called the “Republican Party.” In fact, they were in power not—oh, three months ago. Wow. But it’s true. These Republicans had golden hair and skin white as snow. And at night, when all was still, you could hear their plaintive cries. We’ve managed to track down a few scattered remnants of the once-great political machine in a segment we’re calling:
TEXT ON SCREEN: Republicans: The Lost Party.
STEWART: After one lost election, the journey begins.
JANE SKINNER, PRESENTER, FOX NEWS CHANNEL: Republicans are ramping up their efforts to try to revive their image and refocus the agenda of the party. Today, some of the leaders of the party are launching these pretty grand plans.
STEWART: Ooh! Grand plans. What have you got? T-shirt cannons? Parachute drop onto an aircraft carrier? Brooks and Dunn?
REP. ERIC CANTOR (R-VA): We thank you very much for opening up the Pie-Tanza for breakfast.
STEWART: Holy [*]. You got them to open a Pie-tanza for breakfast? You’re back, baby. In case you don’t live in Virginia, you should know Pie-tanza is a local pizza chain, and that’s where party stalwarts Cantor, [Mitt] Romney, and Jeb Bush made their stand. It may seem odd, but it does follow suit with the new grassroots strategy announced last week by GOP chairman Michael Steele from the ball pit of a Chuck E. Cheese. So what was on the agenda?
CANTOR: Certainly, our party has taken its licks over the last couple of cycles. No one is under any illusion about that. But that’s why we’re here.
STEWART: At Pie-Tanza. All this stuff seems, you know, a little humble, a little vanilla. Show me some fire, Romney!
MITT ROMNEY, FORMER GOVERNOR OF MASSACHUSETTS: We’re the party of the revolutionaries. They’re the party of the monarchists.
STEWART: Yes! That’s what I’m talking about. Get some fervor. Democrats are monarchists! Isn’t monarchy where power is passed down from father to son? Right? Son of former governor, presidential candidate, sitting next to the third earl of Bushington? They’re admitting faults. They’re recognizing mistakes. They’re eating the local ethnic food in casual attire. It’s like they’re just like us. And they need some new ideas, ’cause the old ones were rejected in the last election.
ROMNEY: And I’m not going to have government take over health care.
STEWART: But that sounds vaguely familiar.
SEN. JOHN MCCAIN (R-AZ): Well, I want to make sure that we’re not handing the health-care system over to the federal government.
STEWART: Hmm. Nice rebranding. What else you got?
ROMNEY: The right thing is to lower taxes.
SARAH PALIN, GOVERNOR OF ALASKA: What we’re going to do is lower your income taxes.
CANTOR: The belief in free markets.
MCCAIN: The power of free markets.
ROMNEY: There are some folks who think that government really does know best.
PALIN: And government, you know, you’re not always the solution.
JEB BUSH, GOVERNOR OF TEXAS: Take these new ideas and present them to the American people.
PALIN: Americans are craving something new and different.
STEWART: So that’s why you’re at a pizza place. You’re still selling us cheese, sauce, and bread; you just folded it over, and now you’re calling it a panzone. Any new ideas?
BUSH: If the government is going to subsidize higher education, which it does at the state and federal level, then there should be a strategic nature to it. I think tuition should be different for the degrees that we want. We need nurses. We need scientists. We need engineers.
STEWART: Your newest precious idea is to subsidize certain educational majors for the benefit of the state? Why, I think I found the Republican Party. They’re in Sweden. We’ll be right back.
Please note that TRNN transcripts are typed from a recording of the program; The Real News Network cannot guarantee their complete accuracy.