You Sure You Want to Be Black?

Yes You Can Be Black. And It Won’t Cost You Much at All.

You’ve always wanted to be black. Well now you can be with the Blackness Card’.

Many white Americans wish to be black, and we at the Onyx Corporation are here to fulfill that need. The Onyx Corporation is proud to introduce the Blackness Card. The Blackness Card will grant any white person honorary black status and a certified black experience‘ anywhere within the United States. The Blackness Card is not only accepted at all businesses and government offices, it is also accepted in all interpersonal interactions. Be sure to take the Blackness Card with you wherever you go for a certified black experience.

How It Works

How We Help You Obtain the Certified Black Economic Experience

The application fee for the Blackness Card is $130,900. This amount is the difference in the median wealth for black and white households. Enslaved blacks were able to produce wealth–but not keep any of it. Since slavery, various forms of discrimination and exploitation have hampered black wealth accumulation. For example, whites have been better able than blacks to build and pass on wealth as a result of the 1944 GI Bill, redlining, and other forms of discrimination around homeownership. This means that the odds are your net worth is way too high for you to have a certified black experience. Our application fee removes this obstacle.

The annual fee for the Blackness Card is $11,556 which is the difference between the median personal income for white and black full-time, year-round workers. For reasons similar to that behind the application fee, chances are your income is too high for you to have a certified black experience. The annual fee rectifies this problem.

As a result of obtaining the Blackness Card you will automatically be entered into the Unemployment Lottery. As a formerly-white person, it is likely that you have been deprived the experience of being unemployed because of your race. Regardless of educational attainment blacks are about twice as likely as whites to seek work but be unable to find it. A select number of lucky formerly-white people who win the Unemployment Lottery will gain the opportunity to be jobless.

How We Help You Obtain the Certified Black Criminal Justice Experience

Whenever you see a police officer, present your Blackness Card to receive your full benefits. If you fail to do this you may be missing out on a “stop and frisk” or an incident of police brutality. We cannot guarantee you a certified black experience if you fail to use your card.

You should be aware that being guilty of a crime is not necessary for you to receive a certified black criminal justice experience. You should also be aware that unarmed blacks are twice as likely as unarmed whites to be killed by the police. Please place your initials at the end of this paragraph to indicate that you know that a certified black experience with the police can result in your premature death.

Chances are, as a formerly-white person, you have been arrested too infrequently. If you have ever used marijuana, upon acceptance of your application for the Blackness Card, you will be entered into the Arrest Me Lottery. Although blacks and whites use marijuana at similar rates, blacks are almost four times as likely as whites to be arrested for marijuana possession. The select few who win the Arrest Me Lottery will get to spend quality time in jail.

Once you are approved for the Blackness Card, we will have to kill you . . . eventually. Since the black life expectancy is shorter than the white life expectancy, we will kill you to prevent you from living too long. For example, a white person who was born in 1970 is expected to live 7.6 years longer than a black person born that year. For formerly-white people born in 1970, we will kill them 7.6 years before our scientists predict they will die to ensure that they have the certified black experience. Please initial at the end of this paragraph to indicate that you are aware that the Blackness Card will shorten your life.

Thank you for applying for the Blackness Card. We are committed to ensuring that all qualified applicants receive all of the benefits of the certified black experience.

Nathaniel Blackmon III, CEO

Onyx Corporation

Algernon Austin is the author of the forthcoming book America Is Not Post-Racial: Xenophobia, Islamophobia, Racism and the 44 th President.

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Story Transcript

JARED BALL, PRODUCER, TRNN: What’s up world, and welcome back to The Real News Network. I’m Jared Ball here in Baltimore.

So much continues to be said about the Rachel Dolezal controversy, but little about the actual material impact of blackness on people so classified. To discuss some of that is Algernon Austin, who joins us now from Washington, DC. Austin is a race and economics consultant, and author of the forthcoming book, America Is Not Post-racial: Xenophobia, Islamophobia, Racism, and the 44th President.

Welcome back to the show, or welcome to The Real News Network here, Algernon Austin. Thank you for joining us.

ALGERNON AUSTIN, RACE AND ECONOMICS CONSULTANT, AUTHOR: It’s my pleasure.

BALL: You also have a forthcoming piece, an op-ed to be published in the not-too-distant future that you’ve titled “Yes, you can be black, and it won’t cost you much at all.” Could you talk a little bit about what that–what it is that you’re saying in this, and about the material cost of blackness in the United States.

AUSTIN: Yes. So, the piece is satirical, because what I point out is that it actually costs you a lot to be African-American in the United States. And like you say, this piece is in response to the discussions around Rachel Dolezal. Much of that discussion I felt did not address the material circumstances of being African-American. About half of whites think that African-Americans experience absolutely no discrimination in American society. So I think for that population and for others, being African-American becomes reduced to a fashion statement. It’s how you wear your hair, maybe what slang you use, and that’s the beginning and the end of the, of what it means to be African-American.

So I’m trying to, in the piece, that I’m trying to make people realize that there are significant material circumstances. For example, I talk about that I’m willing, or this man in a mythical corporation called the Onyx corporation, is willing to give you a blackness card or willing to give white Americans a blackness card that will grant them honorary black status and a certified black experience.

And I say that this blackness card, the application fee is about $130,000. now, where do I get $130,000. That’s the difference in the median wealth for white households and black households. White households on average have over $100,000 more wealth than the average black household. So I say if you want a certified black experience, you need to give up $130,000 and then you get to live in terms of wealth more like a typical black person. And then I say the annual fee is about $11,000. And that’s the difference in personal income for a typical white person and a typical black person.

So you know, if you’re white and you want to be black, most likely not only do you have too much wealth, you have too much income. So you need to give up some of that income. I also say, well, you also need to enter the unemployment lottery, because at every educational level African-Americans are about twice as likely as their white peers to be unemployed. So some of these applicants need to have the wonderful experience of being unemployed, of trying to find a job but not being able to because of their race.

BALL: You also say that there’s going to be a necessity to plan for an earlier departure from this life than may have been previously expected under whiteness. Could you say a word or two about that as well?

AUSTIN: Yeah, exactly. So if you were born in 1970, and I picked 1970 because that’s about the median age for white Americans today, your life expectancy at birth is almost eight years longer than an African-American born in 1970. so to give you a certified black experience, this mythical corporation needs to kill you eight years sooner than would be expected.

So all of these things, and there are other things that I discussed, point out that blackness is not merely a fashion statement in American society. There are significant economic disadvantages, there are disadvantages in health. There are disadvantages in terms of your experience with the criminal justice system, in education. You name it, there are significant disadvantages in American society. So the piece is trying to illustrate these facts.

BALL: In fact, you do specifically point out something about stop and frisk in New York, and the preparation for a new experience with the police in this country. Given the time that we’re in, if you could quickly just say one word or two about that. Again, given the time that we’re in.

AUSTIN: Well, exactly. Like I said, I said you need to present the blackness card to the police to make sure that they don’t deprive you of being stopped and frisked, or they don’t deprive you of police brutality. If you’ve ever used marijuana, I put you in an arrest-me lottery. Because although whites and blacks use marijuana at equivalent rates, blacks are almost four times more likely to be arrested for marijuana possession than whites.

So all these things, these are just some of the criminal justice benefits, quote-unquote, that you get from being African-American.

BALL: Well, Algernon Austin, we thank you very much for joining us in this segment of The Real News Network, and we look forward to having you back to talk more about your forthcoming book which is again, America Is Not Post-racial: Xenophobia, Islamophobia, Racism and the 44th President. Algernon Austin, thank you again for joining us.

AUSTIN: My pleasure.

BALL: And thank you for joining us here at The Real News Network. And for all involved, I’m Jared Ball here in Baltimore. Again, peace if you’re willing to fight for it, everybody. Catch you in the whirlwind.

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DISCLAIMER: Please note that transcripts for The Real News Network are typed from a recording of the program. TRNN cannot guarantee their complete accuracy.